LFG player survival guide

Something funny is happening in the WoW right now. With the new LFG system a lot of people  are discovering what it means to PuG. And I find it incredibly funny to see all those people complain about the noobs, jerks and general stupidity found in our glorious PUGs. Me, I’m been pugging non-stop since WoW came out. Strange play schedule, bad luck with guilds, a desire not to wait for the shinnies to be handed out to me plus the fact I’m playing as dps most of the time means I’ve pugged a lot. So much in fact it’s scary. The new LFG system is not creating new problems as some people seems to think it does but it only shows better the pain that is pugging.

So for all of you out there who are now having to leave the comfort of your guild groups for the cold darkness of the pug here’s a quick survival guide to the type of people you will meet in Pugs.

Mr. Fast: This guy has been holding a number 2 for the past week. He needs to go NOW and he needs it done NOW. Buffs? Switching spec? waiting before pulling? You can forget about all of these. This guy will pull mobs every 5 seconds without checking to see if the last pull is done. If he’s your tank you will either get done in record time or you’ll crash. If he’s a dps you might as well kick him now to save yourselves a wipe, he’s going to quit anyway right after the first wipe.

The happy couple: Most often a tank/healer combo they will spend the run typing in party chat to let everyone know how much they love one another and how great the sex is. Makes you wonder why you are still playing this game.

The jerk: Most often a survival hunter without a pet he will make sure everyone else gets the worst experience ever. He will melee as a priest, tank with a warlock and tell everyone else they suck and don’t know how to play. He keeps a record of how fast he gets kicked after the 15 minutes buff has run out. So far he’s at 0.2 sec. Don’t think he’s dumb, he has years of practice at making people miserable.

The LOL-mom: A special kind of noob she oozes kindness and cookies. You want to be her friend and she makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. She will tell the best jokes, knows all the variations of smilies and will  LOL at even you most corny jokes. The only problem? She will put out 300 dps in enchanted/gemmed iLevel 245  gear. But hey, the cookies smell good at least.

The avatar of death: He’s tall as a mountain, arms as big as tree trunks and decked out in gear  you can only dream about. The poor man has to run a few heroics with the “mortals” to pick up a free gem or two for his new legendary axe… for his offspec… At first mistaken for Mr.Fast until you realize he’s putting out 8k dps and one shotting mobs. By the time your done casting your first heal all the mobs are dead and he’s moving to the next pack, the tank following behind in case he’s needed. Your also pretty sure he just killed that caster in the back only by looking at it. Enjoy your free badges.

The social: Everyone want to finish the run as quickly as possible but he’s really interested in socializing.  Identified when he asks everyone where they come from and gives his MySpace address. Probably emo also.

Mr.Internet: This guy knows it all and read it all. As soon as the run begins he will comment constantly on how bad you all are since it’s well-known that since patch B.4 warriors need to be tanking with a polearm you noobs. He’s too busy typing and checking forums to play so expecting him to end up below the healer on the dps meter.  Will leave if there’s a wipe since he can’t be associated with losers like you who don’t know how to play. Your secretly hoping a plane will crash on his house.

The believer: He actually believes people are doing their best and that if he takes the time to explain and be understanding the run will be smooth and fun. Might be doing hard drugs and/or be a hippie.

The gestapo officer: Before the run starts he will inspect every member of the group for spec, gear,gem,enchants and glyphs. Should someone be under his standards he will call him out, tell him he’s a lazy noob and leave the group. Never actually finishes an instance because no one is good enough.

The badge-ninja: A melee dps, he will /follow the tank and go afk, hoping no one will notice he actually doesn’t do anything. If left undiscovered he will get free badges without even playing the game. Once discovered make sure to leave him standing in the fire and feign surprise when he comes back.

The silent type: He (or she?) will never say a single word the entire run. He/she is really competent and should the rest of the group perform okay you will finish the run in record time.

The hardcore noob: If there’s anything that he can do wrong he will. He will get lost in a straight corridor, pull the end boss by only stepping in the instance, fall through the floor, dps in healer spec, etc… Unlike  the Jerk he doesn’t do it on purpose but at least you’ll have an interesting run.

The ADD kid: Incapable of typing more than 3 letters and standing still. If you can get past his annoying behavior you might be able to finish the instance… maybe.

The cat: This death knigth went afk and his cat jumped on the keyboard. Even if the dk is moving around like he’s really crazy his dps actually improved since the cat took over.

The well-adjusted competent gamer: These are just like fairies and unicorns, they don’t exist.

The screaming vet: For some reason he reminds you of the drill sergeant in Full metal jacket. He will scream at you during the entire run for every little mistake you make. The worst part is that he’s right.

/AFK: This guy will be afk the entire run. He’s off to the bathroom, cleaning the dishes, taking out the trash, saving kittens. Just 4 man the instance be done with it.

I have to admit I had a lot fun writing this. The hidden message here is if you want to enjoy pugging don’t take it too seriously.